You Weren't There
by Monsterchild
Summary: All I wanted was to have him by my side in the end.


Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or Reid or anything.

AN: So this is actually based off of a dream I had. It's depressing and everything, but I thought it would make a good one-shot. So here it is! Also, this is written in a very weird way. It's Spencer telling the story to Derek, even though he wasn't around for parts that he's telling. I know that it's technically incorrect, but I'm just sort of playing with perspective. Anyways, read on!

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I was sleeping for once. It had become a rare occurrence for me these days. I was tired all the time, but I was in too much pain to sleep. I'd refused pain meds. Yes, I understood that it wouldn't hurt anymore if I took the meds, but I couldn't do it. I'd had such a problem with dilaudid that I couldn't even risk it.

Not that it mattered anyways. We all knew what was going to happen.

My friends' faces danced around my mind, making me want to smile and warming my heart slightly. Their comforting phrases like, "You'll be back at the bureau soon" or "Get well soon" or, my favorite, "We hunt down serial killers for a living, I'm sure you can beat this, too" filled my ears. They were so comforting to me in my slumber. But then there was you.

I guess your face startled me from my sleep because, deep in my heart, I knew you weren't there. I knew that when I woke up in the hospital, that you wouldn't be there with me.

And I was right. You weren't.

Nobody else was either. Just JJ. She sat in an armchair at the side of my bed, case files stacked on her lap. She closed the one that she'd been focusing on, but before she picked up the next, she glanced up as if she was checking on me. A soft smile stretched across her face. "Hey, you're up," she said happily as she set the files aside and walked over to me, taking one of my clammy hands in her warm ones.

I tried to smile at her, but it felt fake and weak. "Where is everyone?" I asked through a sore throat.

She gestured to the door. "They all went to get food. I volunteered to stick around and keep you company."

I tried to smile again, I couldn't muster one.

Her eyes were rimmed with tears as she stood there, her gaze locked with mine. "You look so pale, Spencer," she whispered, trying to hold back her tears.

I laughed a little, sending me into a coughing fit. Once I recovered, I said, "Of course I do, JJ. I'm dying. Nobody looks good when they're dying."

She ran a hand through my long brown locks. I knew that it must've felt greasy; it hadn't been washed in days. "I didn't say you didn't look good," she said softly. "I just said that you looked pale."

I couldn't smile though I wanted to, but I said light-heartedly, "Thanks, JJ."

A silence fell between us as we tried to think of more conversation. I felt too weak to think, something I'm sure most of our team wished would've happened a long time ago.

"Who's here?" I asked, looking up at her with dull brown eyes.

She counted off in her head, then said, "Me and Will, Emily, Rossi, Hotch, Garcia and Kevin. We called Gideon and left a message, but I don't know if he's gotten it. We also called your father."

"My father?" I repeated weakly. "Why'd-"

"I know, but we felt that he and your mom might want to know," she explained, a pleading look in her eye. I knew that she was just trying to do what was right. "He got her out of Bennington for a few days, and they're flying out as we speak."

"My mom won't even understand what's happening," I said sadly, tearing my gaze from her. I could feel myself frown and looked back up at her. The tears she'd been holding back were now rolling down her face. "Where's Derek?" I asked slowly.

Her eyes widened in panic. Apparently, she'd been dreading this question. "Um, you want me to go tell the others you're awake? I'm sure they'd-"

"JJ," I said sternly, launching into another coughing fit. "Where-" cough "is-" cough "Derek?" I couldn't stop coughing, I could barely breathe.

It was easy to tell that she was startled by this fit. When I finally quieted down, she said in a calm, soothing voice, "He's not here, Spence. He said… something about it hurting too much to sit and watch you die when he could do nothing about it."

I drew my eyes away from her. "Oh…"

Her voice grew frantic. "I tried so hard to convince him, Spence…"

"It's fine," I reassured her, still staring down at my lap.

"No," she insisted as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "No, it's not. I tried to explain to him that this hurts for all of us, but he wouldn't hear it. He kept shutting me out, he's being so stubborn. I told him how much you'd want him to be here, but he just hung up on me…"

I turned my head and gazed into her watery eyes. "JJ," I said in a serious tone, forcing her to stop and listen. Gesturing to the door, I added, "You can go tell the others that I'm awake now."

She nodded, stood, and left the room, wiping at her tears. As soon as she stepped into the hallway, she took out her cell phone and called you. She held the phone to her ear as she waited for an answer.

"Hey, JJ, do we have a case?" you answered on the other side of the line.

"No," she replied, finally drying her eyes. She heaved a heavy sigh. "He's awake, Derek. You should come see him."

You sigh into the receiver. "You know I can't, JJ. I told you before that I can't watch him die."

JJ looked around the hallway, making sure that none of our colleagues were around, and she lowered her voice to a harsh whisper. "Do you think any of us want to? As people who are supposed to save people for a living, do you think that we are here with smiles on our faces? We don't. We aren't. We don't want to stand here and watch him slip away either, but we are. Because he needs us."

"It's different for you," you snapped through the phone. "He… he is so much more to me than he is to you. And I can't stand by and watching him drift. I can't."

"Then you also can't see the disappointment in his eyes," she said, raising her voice angrily. "He says that it doesn't matter, but I know that it does. I know that it hurts for him. Even his parents are coming to see him. Just come down here. Let him see that you care."

"JJ, I can't!" you barked into the phone, losing your patience.

JJ had also lost hers. "Derek! This isn't about you, this isn't about me, it's about him! He wants you here!" She took a deep breath and continued in a quieter voice, "For someone you supposedly love, you sure don't seem to give a damn."

"That was a low blow," you growled through the phone. But you know she's right.

"Sometimes you have to use low blows when you're dealing with stubborn assholes," she snapped.

There was a long pause. "I'll be there," you finally said before hanging up.

I waited. JJ came back into the room with the rest of the team as well as Will and Kevin. Garcia was bawling already. She gave me a big hug that I'm sure could've broken something had Hotch not called her off. Our levelheaded leader has always been stoic, but then, he was looking at me with sadness dominating his features. Emily was crying openly. She stepped up to my bed and brushed strands of my hair away from my face. I smiled up at her, finally having mustered the strength to do so, and she started crying harder. I watched as Will and Kevin held JJ and Garcia, trying to comfort them. Even Rossi offered Emily a hug, and she took it. He wrapped his arms around her protectively and stared at me a knowing, calm look appearing on his face. They all knew what was going to happen.

Gideon never showed up. But my parents did. My mother was lucid. I wonder now if it would've been better if she wasn't, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much. She cried and told me how perfect I was, how it wasn't fair that I had to be taken away from her. My father stood by her side, a comforting hand on her shoulder the whole time. He looked distraught, but I wouldn't classify the look as sad.

Then, I took a turn for the worse. My breathing became ragged, harsh, and shallow. I was starting to sweat from the effort of breathing. It was starting to happen. And you finally walked in the door. You pushed your way to my bedside, and I know that you knew what was happening. You knew that at that moment, I was dying.

I tried to smile up at you, but I just went into a coughing fit.

You sat down on the edge of my bed and ran the back of your hand over my cheek. "Hey there, Pretty Boy," you said softly.

Tears started down my cheeks. "You came," I forced out.

Your hand moved from my cheek to run through my sweat damp hair. "Yeah, I came," you whispered. You looked happy to see me, like you had almost forgotten how much you loved me in the time we were apart.

I looked directly into your watery eyes and said, "I need you to do something for me."

Your other hand came up and caressed my face. "Anything you need," you said softly.

"I need you to tell me," I started to say. But I began hacking and coughing. "I need-" cough, cough. "I nee-" cough, cough.

You leaned closer to me. "You need me to tell you what?" you pressed.

"That you don't love me," I croaked out finally, feeling exhausted.

You looked at me confused. Glancing back at everyone else, you looked for an answer from them. But Garcia was weeping into Kevin's chest, her entire body shaking, JJ couldn't take her eyes off of you as a waterfall of tears came down her face, and Emily couldn't look at us. Rossi and Hotch were stone at your request. My mother and father stood there silently, taking in everything that was happening.

You looked back to me, not understanding. "What?" you asked, trying to keep your voice steady.

The tears were streaming down my face faster now. "I need you to say that you don't love me."

I could tell that you understood now, but you chewed on your bottom lip nervously. "Spencer, I just-"

"Please," I begged you. "Please, just say it…"

You shook your head slowly. "I can't say that."

I reached a hand out slowly and pressed it to your heart. I could feel it pound underneath your skin. "Please," I whispered, "I _need_ you to say it."

You glanced at the others one more time before you turned back to me. You lowered your head and pressed your warm lips against my cold ones. When you pulled away, the tears you'd started to shed were falling at a rapid speed. Then you said, barely loud enough for me to hear, "I don't love you."

Giving a slow nod, I said, "Thank you."

It was then that my eyes drifted shut and the life left my body, making me limp.

You knew I was gone. You knew that I had passed on. You picked up one of my lifeless hands and squeezed it gently.

The room was silent except for the sniffles and sobs from everyone.

After what felt like an eternity, you stood and turned to face them all, still silent. My father was the one that finally broke the silence. "Why did he want you to say that?" he asked.

You glanced back at my body. "Because he wanted to believe that I could move on once he was gone. He wanted to know that if he left, that I would be okay."

"Will you be able to move on?" JJ asked through her tears.

You looked at her with your teary eyes, pressed your lips together, and shook your head. "Never."

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AN: So, I know that was really depressing, but it just came to me. Anyways, please R&R!


End file.
